Firm but Loving

I wrote the following post back when my almost-three-

year-old was almost two. I don't know why I sat on it for

so long, but today the time has come to share! I hope it

blesses you in some way today!

***

Raising kids is hard. 

My husband and I had great intentions when embarking on our parenting journey. We promised ourselves we would prioritize consistency, love, and respect, taking the time to calmly address the heart of any issue with our kids rather than reacting in rage. 

We started out strong. But with each kid added to the mix, consistency became a trickier and more elusive concept. Suddenly we found that we were yelling a lot more than we ever thought we would, and our kids followed suit. We wanted to be a grace-filled family, but we were having a hard time balancing grace and authority. 

I remember watching one of our friends, a pastor, discipline his three kids at various points, and I always admired the way he was firm but loving. 

He kept his composure, administering correction and consequences in a consistently loving manner. He didn’t lash out and escalate the situation, but he wasn’t wishy-washy with his expectations either. He maintained authority while respecting the personhood of his children.

In our attempt to follow his example, “firm but loving" became a sort of parenting mantra for us, but we still had a hard time navigating what that looked like in the heat of the moment, in the heart of a meltdown. Even today, I can’t say we fully live into the concept.

Recently, our almost-two-year-old learned how to open his bedroom door. This led to the exciting (to him) discovery that he could get out of bed and wander into our room at any and all points in the night, so we've been in re-sleep-training mode of late. 

In past years, fueled by a lack of sleep, fluctuating hormones, and fear that the current toddler would wake the current newborn, we've done everything from negotiate to threaten to spank to eventually cave and let the toddler sleep with us–which always just perpetuated the cycle of sleeplessness. 

This go around, with no newborns and none on the way, we have been determined to stick with the advice in the sleep-training books and provide an even, consistent response. "Back to bed," we say calmly, remaining as detached and dispassionate as possible, as we walk or carry him back to bed. 

One night I was up, parked in the walkway between his room and ours for several hours, repeating this seemingly endless routine, as I felt God impressing something on my heart:

This exhausting exercise is not just training for him, but for me as well. 

He needs (and I need for him) to learn the boundaries of bedtime, but more than that, all my kids need parents who are firm but loving. I need to learn how to be that kind of parent.

As I practice being calm and consistent in these twilight moments, distracted only by my want for sleep, I am, I hope, building the skills needed to remain calm when the sun is up, the lunch boxes must be filled, and a seven-part cacophony must be harmoniously ushered into the day. 

God knows I need a lot of training. 

The way I respond when provoked says a lot about me, and it sets the standard for my family. In general, I am a peacemaker, a conflict-avoider. But in my home, with my kids, where I should be creating a safe space and probably ought to be the gentlest, this is where I war. 

The option to remove myself from provocation and conflict simply doesn’t exist in most of my in-home scenarios. Even with an amazing, even-tempered spouse to share the load, the sibling rivalry, defiance, whining, entitlement, tantrums, and just plain VOLUME wear me down pretty quickly. I LOVE being a mom, but sometimes I feel like if one more person asks me what’s for dinner, I am going to explode. I feel provoked ALL. THE. TIME. 

And all too often I respond like one who’s been provoked all too often on all too little sleep. The dragon in me awakens and spews caustic flames, scorching all in its wake. 

I want to be better. I want to be firm but loving. 

The good news is that Jesus promises, Whoever believes in me, as scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. By this He meant the Spirit, who those believing in Him were later to receive. John 7:38-39a, NIV

I can’t think of a better elixir for extinguishing dragon flames than Living Water. Can you?

Isaiah 43:19 says, See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (NIV)

Sometimes parenting can feel like all wilderness and wasteland. But even in my home, even in my heart, God can do a new thing.

God gave me a Savior who set the bar for being firm but loving. And that, ultimately, is the example I am charged with following. 

Jesus never compromised his message or His mission, yet He ALWAYS put love first. 

In fact, without love, there wouldn’t be much of a mission or message at all:

1. God is love.  

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8. NIV

2. God loves us.  

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but

have eternal life.  John 3:16, ESV, emphasis added

3. We have been created and commanded to love Him and love others. 

For we are His workmanship, created created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared

beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10, ESV;  

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your

mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as

yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-9, NIV

Sometimes we think Grace and Love are inherently permissive, at odds with Truth, but there would be no truth to share were it not for Love. 

Maybe your home is not your warzone. Maybe for you it’s work, or play, or all the world outside your doors. Maybe you war with other Christians or people with different religious or political beliefs. You should be firm but loving, too. 

As Christians we accept that love is not just a feeling, it is a choice–we choose to be loving, even when we don’t feel like it. But we must also admit that love is not just a choice, it is THE choice. There are no other acceptable ones, really. 

So whether it’s a family member, neighbor, or Facebook friend whose politics rub us the wrong way, let’s be loving. Let’s be uncompromising in our faith and uncompromising in the way we live out the example set for us by our Savior, who commands us to love. 

I wish I could say that choosing to be firm but loving comes naturally to me, but it is a CHALLENGE. Sometimes I’m much more interested in being right or heard or respected or rested than I am in loving others. Sometimes I would rather let my light shine than let His light shine through me. 

I have to beg the Spirit for guidance every moment of every day. But maybe that’s why it’s so hard–to draw me into deeper dependence on Him. His strength is made complete in my weakness, and I am only complete when I submit to it. Submission to the Spirit always makes us stronger spiritually.

Scribbled across my bathroom mirror in teal dry erase marker right now is a charge adapted from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling, reading, “View challenging moments as opportunities to receive more of God’s strength.” Maybe you need to hear that, too. 

Wherever we war, we can be firm but loving through Him who gives us strength.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ will rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13, ESV