Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I went to the beach with my family to scatter my mom's ashes. 

It was hard, and I hate that she is gone, but it was one of the best and purest Thanksgivings of my life. 

Often the substance of the holiday is choked out by preparations and pleasantries, feasting and football--all the good things that stand in the way of the great. This year that was not the case.

This year we pieced together a meal of store-bought ham and pies, boxed macaroni and cheese, and frozen chicken nuggets. My aunt made a salad and baked some sweet potatoes, and my stepsister baked homemade chocolate-chip cookies. It was filling and festive and tasty and more than enough. We welcomed nine kids and ten adults into the living room and balcony of a small condo, and somehow there was the perfect amount of space for belly-laughing, fellowshipping, and filling our bellies. There was no wine, no adult-beverage to be seen, and somehow I didn't miss it. 

I can't speak for everyone there, but as we gathered to eat together, knowing that sometime after dessert we'd be releasing my mother's ashes to sand and sea, wind and waves, I had never been more aware of how much I have to be thankful for. 

There are of course the obvious blessings of my children and husband, my aunt, uncle, stepdad, siblings, nieces and nephews, all gathered together in support of each other in such an emotional moment; the way everyone made themselves available to come; that we had food to eat and a place to stay. 

But that is just the beginning. 

Looking at the story of the last 16 months of my mom's life, from the time of her diagnosis to her departure, I am filled with an almost overwhelming gratitude. 

***

My mom's mom battled Alzheimer's Disease for 16 years. By the time her body finally let go, her mind had been gone for much longer. One of my mom's greatest prayers was that the same would not be true for her. She prayed that her mind would be as strong as her years were long. And it was--an answer to prayer. 

It may seem unfathomable that cancer could be a blessing, but in this way, it was. 

Of course we prayed fervently for healing--of course we didn't want to let her go. But when God answered, "No," to our prayer, He was saying, "Yes," to hers. 

***

At the very onset of the Covid19 pandemic, my family was supposed to move to Canada. Covid closed the border and canceled our plans to move, and quarantine canceled the social life we had here. With clothes already space-bagged and our lives up in the air, we started looking seriously at moving closer to family. We had always dreamed of being closer to grandparents and cousins, and it seemed like perfect timing. 

My husband looked at jobs of all sorts, but while the cost of living close to family was soaring, the job offers were not. I imagined life in my childhood town, my kids reveling in all-you-can-play grandparent time, and my husband and I taking full advantage of having extra hands to help with our big, rowdy, gaggle of kids. The dream seemed so close we could touch it, yet the opportunities just weren't materializing like we'd hoped. God said, "It's not time."

But this, too, was a blessing. As painful as it was to lose my mom, being geographically separated for the majority of the last 15 years softened the impact. At the time of her passing, I was not used to seeing her everyday. I was not used to weekly family dinners, cousin campouts, endless mother-daughter time, and free childcare. The distance was a buffer. Because of it, I am not reminded of her absence in every moment. While the loss of my mom shook my heart, it could have completely quaked me. Another blessing. 

***

Before my mom's diagnosis, we traveled to see her maybe once every couple of years. She would visit us once or twice a year, and we would try to meet up with her at the beach annually. The moment we received results of her biopsies, we went to her. We made several more trips to her house and to the beach to see her and had better quality time together over the last 16 months of her life than we'd had in years. Some of my best memories with her are from this time. So many blessings. 

***

When it became clear that the end was near for her on this side of Heaven, my husband encouraged me to go to her. I wasn't sure if or when I could get away, or what I would do or say if I did go. I tried to put off booking a flight, but he knew I needed to go. He assured me I could cancel anything on my calendar and that he could handle the kids. "Go tomorrow," he said. 

Still reluctant to pull the trigger, I asked my stepdad if I should come right away or wait a week. With his encouragement, I canceled all my commitments and booked a flight for the next day. 

I got in late and surprised my mom first thing in the morning. I've never seen a jaw drop the way hers did when she woke up and found me waiting in the living room. I spent the rest of the weekend sitting there, talking with her, resting with her, just being with her. 

Right before I left for the airport, she took my hand and said she had a story to share. She told me that just a few weeks prior--the week before she went into hospice--she had a vision of Jesus. She said she saw the most beautiful light and heard the most incredible music. Embodied in the light and the sound was the word "WORD," inviting her to come. 

Before she shared this, it had baffled me how she had seemed to give up the fight so suddenly. One week she was at the beach, with hope for a no-evidence-of-disease declaration at her next scan; the next she was in the ER and then home with a hospice nurse. 

Her story brought me so much clarity. I could see then that she was ready to be with Jesus. She didn't want to fight anymore, and she didn't need to. 

If I had waited until the next weekend like I had wanted, I wouldn't have heard her story. I wouldn't have been able to surprise her like I did or talk with her at all. By that Friday she was mostly unresponsive. She passed away Saturday night. I would have missed my chance to be with her one more time . . . but I didn't. Blessings. 

It would be easy to look at the last couple of years on paper, with Covid, Canada, life up in the air, my mom's diagnosis and passing, and find a lot to complain about. But honestly, there is so much to celebrate. God's timing and His plans don't always make sense to me when they seem so at odds with my own. But there are moments when He seems to pull back the veil just enough, and gratitude rushes over me as I see how things have fallen into place. 

For that I am so thankful. 

Miss you, Momma.

In their hearts, human beings plan their lives, but the Lord decides where their steps will take them. Proverbs 16:9, NIRV

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18, ESV

Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. Psalm 100:4, NIV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7, NIV

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:1-5, NIV